Friday, November 17, 2006
i have a lot to say today i don't know why. so my post is split into two so reading won't be so irritating. gargh. whatever difference it makes, I'LL take it!
and nobody officially knows this frigging blog yet. whatever
. if you have stumbled upon this blog and quickly hit stop to view source and check the password, and are reading this now, read previous post before coming here. kam sia.anyway i just want to record something that happened last week, so that it will not be labelled something that happened 'months ago' when
christmas comes. personal. i just need to record it where nothing will burn.
__________
i had a dream. and this time i can really confirm that i dream with colours, because i saw a lot of banana skins.
at the start,
a set of 300 banana peels was in my grandparent's private collection. which they hid in some cupboard we have in the kitchen. i saw my grandpa (who died in 2003) carry from the cupboard about a hundred peels in his hands.
i don't know why this happened. but it made the scene in my mind centre upon him. this scene didn't care that my grandma was there.
he looked really real. and healthy. then i touched one of the banana skins, which i thought felt really nice and leathery.
scene changed.
nel train. a fact suddenly registered in my mind. that my sister (who's nine this year) was dead. then a baby appeared in front of me in a pram. who looked exactly like my sister when she was two or three. another fact registered. that this baby was my new sister. the scene in my brain then focused on her cheeks. i touched them. and my brain thought it felt really soft. really perfect. really porcelain.
i remember these two scenes very well. whatever i was
actually touching in my sleep, oh well.
__________
i woke up. 8am. thought about it in bed.
thought about thinking about my grandpa a few times weeks before,
thought about feeling how irritating and obsessed (with maple) my sister debbie on numerous occasions.
thought about how i kept praying to God and asking my mum to give me a baby sister in 1996. debbie came in '97.
thought about the dream that taught me how to play the piano that same year.
thought about personal convictions that my mom was talking about last year.
i don't know if it was true, if Someone up there was asking me if i wanted things to go back where they came from.
i figured that whether He was asking me or not i still owed Him an answer.
so i admitted i'd been shirking most personal responsibilities my entire life.
i said no i didn't want things to start over again. even though i miss ah gong.
i promised i'd make life better instead for myself and the people around me.
i told Him i wasn't going to lose my sis to her bad habits because i had a hand in them.
i asked Him to teach me how to teach her.
and i ended with let His will be done.
okay i think that's it for what i thought about that morning. i'm sleepy. i love my family. i love everyone around me. and right now, even the guy sleeping on the floor, next to the comp.
bites at
12:21 AM |
